Maybe he works for ‘Deep Freeze State’
Column By Walt Mares
It was in the first or second grade that it happened. We were on the playground at Romeo Elementary School when my pal said he was worried about something that involved Santa Claus.
His concern involved the song “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”. He wore a frown as he asked me how Santa knew when we are sleeping and how he knows when we are awake. Having never thought about that I just shrugged my shoulders.
I had forgotten about this encounter until recently, almost 60 years later. Why so?
Well, with all the conspiracies floating around these days—hey, why not take a second look at Santa?
Hmm, if he knows all about our sleeping and waking habits does that mean there may be a conspiracy to track our every move and perhaps our thoughts? Could those little elves possibly be his agents– as in spies? How about Mrs. Claus? Does she really sit and knit and bake scrumptious Christmas goodies or is she at a headquarters with telecommunications equipment to which elves send information about you and me?
That idea sounds about as looney as some conspiracy theories that are being spread via today’s social, or should I say anti-social media.
Let us take a conspiracy theory about Santa Claus a little further. If so, he is not part of the so-called “Deep State” but instead is part of the “Deep Freeze State.” His home is at the North Pole and how much colder could anywhere on earth be, except for Antarctica, way on the other side of the earth!
Yes, the North Pole, as barren and uninhabited by humans as it is would be ideal for a spy operation. Who would dare to snoop around Santa’s workshop in such a frozen and deadly environment?
When I was a child in the early 1960s the color red was associated with Communism, as in those “Dirty Reds” who were trying to take over the world. It was known as the “Red Scare.” Was Santa’s red outfit originally a secret way of letting the Reds know he was in sympathy with them?
Then there’s Santa’s beard. Is it just a disguise? When he takes off the beard what is reveal is an acne-scarred face. Maybe his nose and the rest of his face are red from indulging in too much Christmas cheer. The fact the North Pole may be colder than a banker’s heart may have something to do with that.
There is the question of the reindeer. Again, there is red involved as in Rudolph’s bright nose. Could that be some secret guidance system? After all, the Communist Russians were the first to put a satellite into outer space. Was there was a connection between Rudolph’s nose and the Sputnik satellite? Did Santa hand over some kind of super-secret and highly advanced technology to the Russkies or vice versa?
What about those elves? Maybe they are spies spread around the globe year-round and are disguised as midgets. They do not make toys as legend states. Toys are made by misbehaved elves who become slave laborers in a Russian gulag in Siberia.
Coal that bad kids sometimes receive in their Christmas stocking? Russia has some of the richest coal deposits in the world. What do you say to that?
Then there are the flying reindeer. Again, is some secret technology involved in their ability to fly? Maybe they are not reindeer but are spy satellites disguised as those cutesy animals.
That is one of the bonkers conspiracy theories out there. It is way, way out there but some people do believe such ridiculous things.
Then there is Frosty the Snowman. What about him? He was initially a couple of big balls of snow. He had a corncob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made of coal. There was reportedly an old silk hat someone found and when they placed it on his head he began to dance around.
Sounds innocent enough, eh? Magic? Perhaps not. Maybe the old silk hat involved some incredible technology that turns something inanimate into something that can dance and run. Remember that as Frosty ran he only paused when a traffic cop ordered him to stop. But Frosty kept running. Civil disobedience? No regard for the law?
Frosty said he will be back some day but where will he be in the meantime? We can only guess.
Let us get back to Santa. So how does a fat man make his way down a chimney that is far too narrow for him to descend or ascend? Maybe his elves are lock pickers and unlock doors prior to Santa entering a home. Or perhaps there is a secret technology enabling Santa to reduce his size to make him fit through a chimney?
Maybe he takes a secret, magic pill to do so. Could it be something the Russians developed while doing medical experiments on prisoners in one of those Siberian gulags?
Then there is the question of how Santa delivers presents to all the boys and girls around the world in just one night? There may be more awesome super-secret technology involved than we aware of.
Oh, yes, Santa, some folks may just have your number! They will not inspire. Instead, they will conspire. They will forget all about the charm and magic of Christmas and the warmth and love a family should feel at this time of year.
Instead, they will try to find a dark side to everything, as in the Deep Freeze State.
Come on, Santa, what do you have to say for yourself? You, too, Frosty.