Editorial: Gaetz on down; gut calls of a stable genius

Column By John Young

The race is on to fill the administration-elect, scant weeks until the Great Prevaricator is re-throned.

No time to waste. Only 44 days ’til Jan. 6. So, get your lying done early.

We are already enthralled and intrigued by the lineup of “trust his gut” trustees, the biggest and best-est group of besties ever assembled. No president — not Lincoln, not Roosevelt, not Lee Iacocca – could match it.

And what a preview already. Who wasn’t entertained by what we learned from Matt Gaetz’s closed-door teen-coming-out party? Such a promising law enforcement career – dashed.

OK. One down. This will hardly tamp my expectations for confirmations to come. Hurry. Hurry.

Since we can’t wait, I have assembled some of the real Americans who embrace what’s to come, the devoutest devotees of the Day 1 Dictator.

We gathered them together by notifying each of having won a drawing for a seven-pound glazed Spam: “Just come to the Apalachicola Fair Pavilion to claim your prize.” And here they are.

Our first testimony is from Horace Howell of the Gulf Coast QAnon Three-Wheelers.

Welcome, Mr. Howell: It appears Matt Gaetz will not be the nation’s chief law enforcer because of his predilection for teenage girls and Venmo-ing for sex. What’s your reaction?

“I blame the liberal media.”

Actually, the incriminating evidence came out in a hearing by Republican House members.

“Don’t believe the lamestream media.”

Gaetz’s young gratification objects bolster the claims. Is this not the pedophilia in which you and other QAnon believers say liberals engage?

“Sex is one thing. At least Gaetz didn’t eat his prey like the Democrats do.”

Not that we know, Mr. Howell.

Our next testifier is Beverly Smervy, Dixie County president of Americans for an America in Our Own Image.

My question, Mrs. Smervy: Linda McMahon, former WWE executive, is the choice to head up the Department of Education. How does a career in pro wrestling prepare one for such a task?

“Some of America’s great thinkers have come from the pro-wrestling ranks – Randy Savage, The Undertaker, Haystack Calhoun. Indeed, Hulk Hogan headlined the GOP Convention where he endeavored to tear his shirt off.”

A lawsuit alleges that McMahon and her former husband were complicit in an effort to lure boys into compromising situations in WWE. Is this not the “grooming” that your organization accuses Democrats of promoting?

“Not the same thing. Being groomed for a thinking man’s profession is a noble pursuit. Fake news!”

Our next testifier is Maxwell McFee, an economic analyst at the Heritage Foundation’s Epcot Center offices.

Question to Mr. McFee: TV doctor Mehmet Oz is the apparent choice to administer Medicaid, Medicare, and Obamacare. Does a career as a TV doctor qualify him for this?

“Listen, great men have emerged from the TV doctor ranks – trusted voices, skilled hands: Marcus Welby, Benjamin “Hawkeye” Pierce, Dr. Phil.”

Several medical organizations accuse Oz of promoting quack cures for profit.

“If this election proves anything, it’s that one man’s quack is another’s cure. This is the marketplace of ideas operating in the marketplace way. Let the buyer beware.”

The assumption is that Oz will navigate means of serving fewer needy people.

“As it should be. Health care is no one’s right unless one has bodacious insurance. And in the absence of preventive care, the Founders knew from our nation’s inception the emergency room is right down the street.”

Next: Orin Undermire of the Confederate Skinheads of Greater Pensacola.

My question, Mr. Undermire: Robert Kennedy Jr. has emerged as the choice to head the Department of Health and Human Services—in part, presumably, based on his effort to wean Americans off the medical miracle of vaccinations. Is this a wise policy?

“Damn right. No one’s gonna needle me — tell you that. Only two paths to immunity in America: (1) be president; (2) round up and remove all germy, dark-skinned people. It’s known as herding immunity.”

Another question: Reportedly, RFK Jr., before hitching a ride with the victor, compared him to Hitler and his followers to Nazis. Your response?”

“First thing a Kennedy ever said I agreed with.”

Longtime newspaperman John Young lives in Colorado. Email him at jyoungcolumn@gmail.com.

The opinions expressed in this editorial are those of the author.