Column by Mike Bibb
When politicians aren’t spouting scripted gibberish, they use three-word phrases to make them sound like they’re doing something. Or, at least, know something.
For example, we often hear “It’s under investigation” when they really don’t have an answer.
Then, there’s the popular “No further comment” reply if they’ve run out of things to say.
Frequently, Congressional folks insist “We’re reviewing it,” whether they are or not.
If one is busy, he might announce “I’ll get back” – presumably, sometime within the next several months.
When questioned about a vote on a certain bill, it’s not uncommon to declare “It wasn’t me.”
Cornered by an inquisitive reporter, a crafty Democrat politician will instinctively utter “Republicans did it,” or the more popular “It’s Trump’s fault!”
Expect a similar response when a Republican is asked the same question – “Democrats did it,” or “Biden doesn’t remember.”
Being confused and unable to quickly reply coherently, you might hear “It’s obviously unconstitutional.”
Sometimes, when two or more politicians are talking amongst themselves, the conversation can become complicated, often involving more than three words.
We could observe them intently discussing a subject in abstract terms in which one insists “We need more information. Certainly, more money”
Nodding his head in agreement, the other replies “Yes, more money,” being careful not to reveal the actual topic of the exchange. Never know when Russian spies might be hiding around the corner. Apparently, like Trick-or-Treaters, they’re everywhere.
If, for some reason, the issue is a matter of national importance, the president may join in. When that happens, you know things are going to become really confusing.
For instance, rumors of a helium balloon drifting over restricted air space above Disney World could spark a global incident, prompting the president to address the nation: “I’ve been advised some kind of flying object — a nuclear missile, maybe — has been reported heading in the vicinity of the Ozarks, or somewhere.”
When informed by an aide he’d made a mistake, he quickly corrected his misstatement with another misstatement – “Excuse me, I mean a Dish Network satellite has plunged into the bayous of Death Valley. Reports have indicated nearly a third of the oil fields in Texas have been destroyed. This could be the beginning of another Trump insurrection. The third one this week!”
“No, Mr. President” the vice president interrupted. “It wasn’t a Dish Network satellite. I’ve heard a Ford Lightening pickup had exhausted its battery pack, and was aimlessly coasting in the vicinity of Area 51.”
Surprised, the president responded, “Are you sure?” Another frequently uttered three-word Capitol Hill comeback.
“Of course, I’m sure. You’re the one who appointed me the Area 51 Czar, in addition to being the Border Czar and getting to the root causes of our messed up border, the USDA Yellow Die #7 Food Additive Czar, the Emergency East/West Air Traffic Nonregulatory Commission Czar and the featured speaker at this year’s 38th Annual Grand Dukes of Hazzard’s Commemorative Daisy Duke Swim Suit and Botox Convention” the VP reminded the P.
“Guess I forgot” the president replied in typical three-word DC jargon.
“Yes, you did.” Normally, the VP has much more to say when she’s talking about the passage of time being nearly the same as time passing when it passes through time at any time.
She has an uncanny ability to simplify a very complex scientific discussion into terminology more easily understood by the less knowledgeable public.
As the late afternoon sun set behind the Washington Monument, bewildered Congressional leaders from several committees gathered to discuss the phenomenon.
“What happened to the sun?” inquired the puzzled senator from Virginia.
“It went down!” an astonished New Mexico committee member shouted.
“Where?” Illinois’ Congressional aide wondered.
“Behind that tall thing over there,” pointed an observant Oregon House member.
“Is that normal?” asked the junior senator from Michigan.
“I’m not sure” a perplexed Colorado representative responded. “It might be a violation of the 14th Amendment?”
“Maybe, another Russian hoax disguised as an ancient Egyptian obelisk?” suspicious CIA operatives cautioned.
“You’re probably correct” several FBI agents confirmed. “We’ve seen these diversionary tactics before.”
“We’d better investigate” everyone agreed, insisting something seemed out of the ordinary. Reportedly, the sun hadn’t acted in such an aberrant manner since yesterday.
“Why, would it suddenly decide to hide behind the Washington Monument instead of the MLK Memorial?” a befuddled court clerk wondered.
“Probably racist” an ACLU legal tech immediately spoke out.
“Or, climate change?” a National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) scientist suggested. “A noticeable shift in penguin migration to Miami, Florida has been recorded. We’re confident it has something to do with the ocean temperatures expected to rise 0.00137th of a degree within the next century or two.”
“Al Gore believes it, too. He’s the inventor of the Internet and a global warming expert. Global cooling? I get ’em mixed up” an aspiring metrologist confessed.
“There might be some validity to that study. Seismograph charts are indicating our planet is gradually tilting to the left, causing whales to swim backward, and geese to fly north during the winter” remarked a renowned Ph.D. expert in unusual animal behavior above the Artic Circles.
“I concur” a colostomy surgeon seconded the suggestion. “If true, this could cause extensive upheavals within the bowels of the Earth.”
“It might be the end of the world” a flock of panicky ecclesiastical constituents prophesied. “We saw a documentary about it on TikTok the other day.”
“Looks like the work of Somali pirates to me. They take anything they can get their hands on” observed a respected CNNC news journalist. “On New Year’s Eve, it was live-streamed that they’d stolen Times Square’s big ball and replaced it with a large picture of Elvis. For some reason, they believe he’s a direct descendant of an ancient Somalian king named The King.”
“I remember that. In fact, I authored, with extensive documentation, a doctoral thesis on it,” reminded a former president of Harvard University, an assumed expert on just about everything contextual – including plagiarism.
“Oh, my gosh! If Harvard believes it, it must be true” answered a California House member. “I can’t make any money on insider stock trading if the gapes are going to wither on the vine. Call the President. Immediately!”
“I did. The lights are on, but nobody’s home” answered a young staffer, not realizing his comment could be interpreted several ways.
“Relax, it’s an obvious fiscal error” quipped a 92-year-old H & R financial accountant. “Everyone knows there’s no such thing as sunsets in Washington. They’re not taxable!”
“You’re so right” multiple voices sang out. “Probably just excess stomach gas drifting around the room from too much mac and cheese at lunch.”
“What were we thinking?” a confused lobbyist remarked.
“Thinking is irrelevant on the floor of this chamber” cautioned the leader of the Senate. “If I hear that word again, I’ll have the offender removed for disregarding established protocol!”
“Hey! Hey! What da ya say? Let’s go home and come back another day!” (sic) all chanted in unison.
“Besides, we’re tired” five or six complained. “Congressional work keeps interfering with our vacations.”
“Agreed. Meeting adjourned!” declared the committee chairperson to an already empty room.
“Heri za Kwanzaa” (three Swahili words for Happy Kwanzaa) he smiled as he stepped around a custodian’s mop bucket. “I’m outta here!”
“Good riddance, sir” the custodian mumbled. “Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you!”
“What’d you say, Clarence?”
“Have a nice evening, sir. See you sometime next year…”
The opinions in this editorial are those of the author.
