Column By Mike Bibb
I fumbled Anthropology 101 and similar courses on human evolution, but I noticed that not everyone seems to have evolved at the same pace.
How come?
If we’re told the universe started out exploding like a Big Bang Cherry Bomb, composed of dirt, rocks, cosmic dust, and other debris gathered from somewhere beyond Uranus, then why hasn’t everything progressed, or regressed, at the same pace?
Then water came and covered Earth for a while. Eventually, climate change evaporated a lot of it, and cruise ships and seaside resorts soon occupied many beaches around the globe.
Before that, construction crews, employees, managers, and advertising agencies had to be in place to build, promote, and maintain the facilities.
Where did they come from?
Apparently, from the same salty waters that receded to allow proliferation of the tourist meccas.
But wait, weren’t there a bunch of dinosaurs and big birds of prey roaming around on the newly dried terra firma, looking for a quick lunch?
Yes, folks specializing in this kind of scientific stuff regularly dig up the old dried bones of these creatures, carbon-date them, and tell us fantastic tales of what life was like when animals six times the size of a modern elephant were either grazing in the North 40, or chasing each other to see who’s the tastiest.
Still, these beasts had to evolve from something.
Since there was nothing but water everywhere, obviously, they must have crawled out of the sea and morphed into Tyrannosauruses, Pterodactyls, and gallons of future Chevron 89 octane fuel.
Apparently, a variety of plants and critters were also scattered about, including worms, mollusks, jellyfish, crustaceans, insects, amphibians, reptiles, birds, mammals, coconuts, rose bushes, grape vines, pine trees, eucalyptus, cucumbers and hundreds of others.
Eventually, two locals named Adam and Eve organized everything into separate life forms, alphabetized the results, cataloged their findings, and opened the world’s first garden franchise in the small community — “A & E’s Eden Edibles.”
Business was good until Eve had the bright idea she’d convince Adam to grow apple trees to complement the blueberries and peaches assortment available in the fresh fruit aisle.
Later, we discovered it was a scam — Eve and her pet snake tricked Adam into tasting a spoonful of the forbidden fruit, promising canned applesauce would be a big seller.
As we’ve seen, a marketing gimmick that’s troubled us ever since.
“Okay, Mike, I know the Adam and Eve story, get to the point — where did humans come from?” Cynthia DeLaTorinni prodded me.
From the same sea, I guess. Only, first we were a fish of some sort (where did the fish come from?), then grew into a monkey, followed by a hunch-back ape carrying a big billy club to smack other apes in the head if they tried to steal their gopher and salami-cheese sandwiches.
As we advanced into Cro-Magnon dudes and dudettes, our little brains expanded to the size of a walnut, and 75,628 years later, we are earning collegiate degrees and professing to be the smartest organism on the planet.
Plus, we come in an assortment of colors, shapes, and sizes.
How did that happen: a little fish transforming into a suit-and-tie Wall Street stockbroker in multiple hues and forms?
Of course, there’s always the question: if our ancient aunts and uncles were swinging from trees and munching on bugs and bananas, then why didn’t they all move up the evolutionary ladder to become truck drivers, economists, fry cooks, and United Nations officials?
Or media blabbermouths?
Why do we still have chimps and silverback gorillas? Shouldn’t they all be CEOs, rocket scientists, dictators, university professors and Chevy used car sales reps by now?
Sorry, my limited gray matter prohibits me from speculating on such a complicated subject, other than to say the journey from a scaly fish to a two-legged, vertically walking, balding homo sapien must have been a hell of a ride.
Basically, we’re told to accept our current situation sprang from a Yellowfin Tuna to an assortment of individuals who’ve invented electricity, the modern computer, nuclear power plants, frolicked on the moon, penned the Bible, and composed Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s “Requiem in D minor.”
Yet, Yellow Fin Tunas look and swim pretty much as they did thousands of years ago.
As a result, the grandkids may inquire, “Grandpa, how come you and Grandma are old and wrinkled and can’t see a 67-inch TV screen or hear very well?”
After a few moments of contemplation, I’ll simply reply, “Because our great, great, great, great, great ancestors didn’t have the benefit of modern skin lotions, laser eye surgery, or micro-sized hearing aids.
“Therefore, our deteriorating physical appearance is the result of thousands of years of eating T-bone steaks, drinking unfluoridated water, and having no licensed dentists in the neighborhood.”
“Gee, Grandpa,” little Honee Bea exclaimed, “you mean I’m gonna look like Grandma someday?”
“We’ll see. Heavy applications of Plexaderm, red-light therapy, and liposuction promises to delay the inevitable,” was all I could say.
After all, no sense warping my granddaughter’s hopes of the future by telling her there’s a better-than-average chance she will need the assistance of modern cosmetic surgery, multiple vials of doctor-prescribed pharmaceuticals, supplemented with heavy doses of fish oil to, ironically, help postpone the possibility of her eventually resembling a Rainbow Trout in her latter days.
Life is challenging, but they tell us it’s supposed to get better if only we follow the directions handed to us by others who faced similar situations.
Who, in turn, were told the same story by their predecessors.
Which might account for ancient cave dwellers scribbling on the walls of their apartments — “For updated information on tomorrow’s news, weather, mastodon hunts and prospects of peace, chisel 1-555-737-0249 and press 3. A Customer Service representative will promptly answer your call within an hour or two. Be patient; the lines may be busy between here and Rangoon, Myanmar.
“In the meantime, listen to this Golden Oldie from Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones, ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.'”
