Editorial: The real cause of Mike’s brain damage

Gila Herald readers have probably wondered why my brain – like a bad Tee-shot – seems to frequently veer off course.  It just doesn’t function like it’s supposed to.

Certainly, not like everyone else’s.

The same idea has crossed my mind a time, or two.

Golf legend, Lee Trevino, has a country-boy explanation to unravel such inconsistencies in life – “Not even God can hit a 1-iron.” 

After decades of contemplating this perplexing mystery, and with a firm reliance upon Lee’s wisdom that not every golf swing will be perfect, I believe I’ve finally discovered the cause of my cranial cramps:  It’s my damn toilet!

Who knew?

Apparently, super-smart researchers at The Blaylock Wellness Report looking into this global phenomenon have arrived at the conclusion the simple act of flushing a toilet can cause all kinds of health issues.

Including, brain impairment. 

I always thought genetics must have something to do with it since I come from a long line of intellectually challenged predecessors – on both sides of the family tree. 

Not that my folks couldn’t read, write, multiply, and change the channel without a remote, but let’s face it, they grew up in a world full of toilets.  So, what chance did they have of developing a sound cerebrum?

Before that, outhouses were the rage.  No telling what subterranean creatures were lurking in those nasty watery secretions.  It’s amazing a person’s brain advanced much past the Stone Age. 

Actually, with today’s low-flush water usage thrones, the danger of developing cognitive disabilities later in life should be reduced by an equal proportion — the smaller the flush, the healthier the mind.

Not certain that’s a scientifically verifiable hypothesis, but considering all the bad stuff that can happen by sending a little pee, poop, and tissue paper down the drain to a chemically laden treatment plant, then why wouldn’t a lesser toilet flush volume ultimately result in a bigger brain?

Sounds perfectly logical, except I also learned these smaller flush toilets sometimes require an additional flush to rid the bowl of its contents.  As a result, health risks are actually increased.

“So, Mike, what’s the answer to staying safe when depressing the toilet’s handle,” an inquisitive Herald viewer may inquire.

As far as I can tell, there are three viable options – hold your breath, triple mask, or strap on a scuba tank while using the bathroom.

Even after taking these precautions, enter at your own risk.  (Cue “Jaws” music).

Scientific studies have shown flushing a toilet releases an invisible cloud of offensive stuff wafting into the air.  In turn, people unknowingly inhale this goop when finishing #1 or #2, or some other activity.

There’s a term for these contaminants:  Lipopolysaccharides (LPS).

Any word with 19 letters in it can’t be good, I don’t care what it’s describing.

Toilet bowl pollution can lead to – supposedly – dementia, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, salutatorian instead of valedictorian, and other neurological disorders.

All this misery from flushing a toilet?

That’s what the report says.  Well, not the valedictorian part.  That’s just an educated guess by me.

Or, a quick solution to avoid many of these unpleasantries after finishing your bathroom business is to simply close the lid before flushing.

Keep in mind, President Joe Biden also grew up in the indoor toilet era, which could explain his often-irrational behavior, and use of several aliases and phony names in about 5,200 emails with his son, Hunter.

According to the National Archives and Records Administration, Joe and Hunter, have been playing this game since Joe’s Vice President days.

What father uses a bogus name when corresponding with his son – over 5,000 times – unless there’s a specific reason for it?  “Hi, son – uh, Hunter – this is your friend G.Y. Peddle.  Did you take care of those past-due accounts we discussed the other day?  I’m going on vacation again tomorrow and need a little extra spending money.  Have fun in Hollywood.  Love ya.  GYP.” 

However, I’m not sure Toilet Flush Syndrome (TFS) is much different than Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS).

The two appear to share similar characteristics; with the exception the Department of Justice is now using its emergency Grand Jury inoculations to vaccinate any pro-Trump suspects still remaining by November 2024.

Apparently, whether it’s TFS or TDS, they’re both a load of crap being dumped on the public in full flush mode! 

The opinions expressed in this editorial are those of the author.