Editorial: President Joe is ‘fit for duty’

Photo By Gene J. Puskar/AP: A man takes a photograph as a black plume rises over East Palestine, Ohio, as the result of a controlled detonation of a portion of the drailed Norfolk Southern train on Feb. 6, 2023. The photo could be emblematic of the Biden Administration’s near-total incompetency in dealing with every domestic and foreign issue that arises, including shooting down Chinese balloons and other high-flying objects.

Column By Mike Bibb

“The president remains fit for duty, and fully executes all of his responsibilities without any exemptions or accommodations.”

Dr. Kevin O’Connor, Feb. 16, 2023

That’s a load off my mind.  I was beginning to think President Joe had cognitively slipped several notches.  Especially, after he needed assistance finding his way back to the White House from the adjacent South Lawn -“Biden appears to get lost after White House tree planting event,” New York Post, Oct. 25, 2022.

Admittedly, I’m probably less observant than others, but when Joe’s personal physician proclaimed him “fit for duty,” I had to begin questioning my hearing capabilities.

I didn’t believe I suffered serious auditory issues, as I instantly respond to my wife’s impromptu commands.

But, when I learned of Dr. Kevin O’Connor’s announcements that “The president remains fit for duty, and fully executes all of his responsibilities without any exemptions or accommodations,” I wondered if I just heard what I thought I just heard.

Maybe, the doctor was talking about the president of Ukraine, who frequently flies over to beg for a few more billion dollars, tanks, guns, and anything else we can give him.

He seems in pretty good shape.

Then I remembered, maybe Joe has a hearing problem.  He often pivots from a speaker’s podium, shakes an imaginary hand, and exits the room without acknowledging press questions.

Possibly, part of his presidential decorum, as he assured us a few weeks ago “I would be completely, thoroughly honest with the American people if I thought there was any health problem, anything that would keep me from being able to do the job.”

Hmmm, it’s the “thoroughly honest” part of his statement that seems a little suspicious.  Particularly, after secret classified government documents keep turning up at his home and various offices around the Washington area.  Some of these records date back to his senate and vice president days.

He probably needed the papers for a little late evening homework, and just forgot to return the items.  I don’t believe he would intentionally leave them tossed in a box behind his Corvette. 

That wouldn’t be honest.

The doctor’s remarks indicated Joe’s two COVID infections, in spite of being fully vaccinated and boosted, produced “only mild systems, consisting mostly of a deep, loose cough and hoarseness.”

Which is weird.  How did Joe manage to become infected with the virus – twice?  Being an honest guy, he assured us if we got the jabs, boosters, and strapped on a mask, there was no way we would get ill from COVID.

Apparently, many of his cabinet members must not have taken Joe’s advice either, because several, inexplicably, soon called in sick.  

Some, more than once.

Conversely, he hasn’t mentioned a growing list of side effects believed caused by the inoculations.  Nor, the unfairness of government and private sector terminations of workers refusing to take the shots.

Yet, it’s perfectly alright if millions of illegal migrants stroll into the country unvaccinated, unboosted, and unmasked.

Now, three years into the COVID mess we’re being told by the experts that natural immunity – after having the virus – is stronger than the vaccines.

Duh!  Not exactly new news.  Well, maybe it is to people who listened to Joe and Dr. Fauci without considering other opinions and options.   

At 80 years of age, Joe has developed a few skin cancers.  A common ailment, considering his activities as a swimming pool lifeguard six or seven decades ago.

His skin lesions may have been more intensified by pool kids stroking his blond hairy legs.  Joe told us it was one of their favorite things to do on a warm summer afternoon.

I guess when his legs weren’t being massaged, he’d grab a chain and chase the local villain, Corn Pop, out of the pool for improper behavior.

Apparently, a lifeguard’s job in Delaware involves other chores besides watching and saving drowning youngsters. 

Joe fondly reminisces about the good times he had in his youth; character-building events shaping his future lifetime career in professional politics and savior of America.

We’re so lucky to still have him. 

Joe has a few other minor aches and pains, including acid reflux, a lingering cough, an awkward gait, healed fractured foot caused by playing with his dog, and assorted everyday normal stuff.

Always ahead of his time, Joe may be the original child of climate change.  He remembers when his mother switched on the car’s windshield wipers to remove morning oil slicks before taking little Joey to school.

It must have traumatized him so much that he still insists his government-supplied vehicles be equipped with four-inch-thick window glass and armor plating to prevent any exterior pollution from seeping into the interior of the vehicle. 

70 years later, his doctor proclaimed him “fit for duty.”   Since that’s the case, there’s no excuse why he shouldn’t grab his Transportation Secretary, “Pothole” Pete Buttigieg, and head over to East Palestine, Ohio to check out the Norfolk-Southern 50-car train derailment chemical disaster.   

A real climate-changing calamity for the local folks.

Instead, on Presidents Day, Joe decided to fly 6,000 miles in the opposite direction to Kyiv, Ukraine to hand out another half-billion dollars – on top of the tens of billions of dollars in money and arms we’ve already donated.

It’s been over two weeks since the village on the Ohio-Pennsylvania border was ordered evacuated and most federal officials have remained AWOL.  EPA Director, Michael Regan, made an appearance a few days ago, assuring city air and water is perfectly safe – “And so while this investigation continues, I think we all have to be there for the residents and assure them that the air is safe and the water is safe.”

Collectively, Mr. Regan and a few state officials raised a glass of water and took a few sips as proof everything was hunky-dory.

They did not bathe, cook, or consume multiple gallons of the liquid over days or weeks like normal residents are expected to do.

Really, this comic presentation was the best the EPA could concoct on short notice?

A large segment of the village’s citizens and leaders were not impressed, asking how such a large, toxic, multi-chemical accident could be considered safe after only 7-10 days of cleanup.

They are insisting their pets and animals are sick and dying, fish are belly-up in community ponds and streams, water is unfit to drink, people are suffering breathing difficulties, headaches, and skin irritations, and many businesses remain closed.

School activities have been canceled because of safety and health concerns.

Fires, smoke, fumes, soil, and water contamination have turned much of the little community into a waste dump.  Basically, uninhabitable.

On the bright side, Norfolk-Southern stockholders can rest easier – the trains are running again.

Now that Joe doesn’t have to worry about invading UFOs, or shooting down Chinese weather/spy balloons, he can concentrate on more pressing Earthly issues.

Like, continually reminding voters his domestic and foreign policies are working so well that we need to give him four more years in 2024. 

Don’t know how many residents of East Palestine, Ohio are going to buy that pile of malarkey. 

On the other hand, sounds as believable as anything else he tells us.  Joe may have difficulty keeping his facts straight, but he always has a story to fit the situation.

The opinions expressed in this editorial are those of the author.