Editorial: Easing into winter

Photo By Mike Bibb: Leaves changing color, brown grass, and bloomless Yuccas are a reminder winter is on the way to the Ten Ranch area south of Safford.

Photo By Mike Bibb: Leaves changing color, brown grass, and bloomless Yuccas are a reminder winter is on the way to the Ten Ranch area south of Safford. 

Column By Mike Bibb

As winter approaches, Dec. 21, certain vegetation is going through the annual ritual of changing colors and dropping their foliage. 

Even in the deserts of Southeastern Arizona.

The really smart folks in government, universities, and climatology refer to this phenomenon as “Climate Change.”

It’s particularly noticeable in the regions of the Earth’s Arctic areas, where ice, snow, and subzero temperatures are a prevalent feature of the landscape.  This might help to explain why Saguaro, Yucca plants, and desert tortoises are almost extinct in those zones. 

Until about twenty years ago, “Global Warming” was believed to be the primary cause of the planet’s temperature expected to rise almost one degree Celsius in the next century.

Unrestrained harvesting of the Amazon Forests, coupled with the erratic behavior of wayward jet streams colliding with migrating Canadian geese, would eventually lead to disruptions in Walmart’s supply chain, causing extensive economic damage to Bentonville, Arkansas, and the local catfish fishing economy.

As a result, really intelligent scientists anticipate the demise of humanity, and the return of the dinosaurs unless immediate steps are taken to reverse course; and cease manufacturing everything ever made by mankind/womankind/ transkind/anykind.

Except for Gulfstream private aircraft, chauffeured Rolls Royce, vapes, and EV charging stations.  These items have been determined to be essential for the preservation of the New World Order’s administrative staff.

Reacting with uncharacteristic urgency, the NWO, in conjunction with the WHO, and CNN’s CEO, immediately determined the global warming doctrine was not in sync with current woke thinking.  “Global” and “Warming” were too limited in definition.  Something more inclusive was needed.

After 15 or 20 minutes of intense discussion and debate, substantiated by video and archival evidence, along with a carcass of a solidly frozen Wooly Mammoth, it was decided any reference to global warming should henceforth be referred to as “Climate Change.”

If it’s hot outside, it’s climate change.  If it’s cold, it’s climate change.  If it’s cloudy, it’s climate change. If it’s windy, it’s climate change.  If it’s sunny, it’s climate change.  If it’s sunny, windy, and cold at the same time, it’s a tri-climate change event.

Also, hurricanes, blizzards, floods, forest fires, earthquakes, droughts, lightning, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, pandemics, reruns of Gunsmoke, asteroid impacts, United Auto Workers strikes, sun flairs, Arizona Cardinals winning a football game, and President Joe Biden remembering it’s Tuesday (when it’s actually Tuesday) are the result of climate change.

Consequently, trees turning color, yuccas losing blooms, and rattlesnakes slithering underground are not ordinary ancient acts of nature’s winter.

Nope.  It’s Chevron, Texaco, Chevy, Ford, Southwest Airlines, BNSF Railroad, coal-fired power plants, and thousands of other fossil fuel-burning machines, including your stove, water heater, and air conditioner.

I’ll think about that the next time I pass by the Ten Ranch turnoff on Hwy 191, glance west to the silver windmill, large trees, and cows standing in the shade next to a big water trough, and realize “Damn, I guess winter’s comin’ again, ’cause the leaves are changing.”

Suddenly, I remembered the frantic Facebook postings of Al Gore, John Kerry, and Bill Nye, the “Science Guy.”  Thanks to the melting Polar ice caps, Humpback whales, fleeing the electric wind turbine-infested waters off the New England coast, seemed at home romping in the warm currents of the recently flooded Gulf of San Simon Valley.

Who could have ever imagined little Bowie, Arizona would evolve into another San Diego, complete with overrun tourist beaches, coastal harbors, a big zoo, and $7.29 gas?

By all accounts, most icebergs have melted under the tropical Arizona sun.

It’s all starting to make sense in some kind of perverse, illogical way.  

Firmly clutching the steering wheel, briefly bowing my head and pleading “Wait, it’s probably climate change, and my 1993 four-cylinder Honda Civic is causing it.  Forgive me, Lord, I can’t afford a Gulfstream or Rolls-Royce right now.”

Regaining focus and correcting the vehicle back into the proper lane of traffic, I reconsidered my previous supplication and decided to go with a more contemporary authority.

I better hold off asking God’s forgiveness until I hear what Elon says about it.

Whatever it is, a lawsuit is sure to follow!

The opinions expressed in this editorial are those of the author.