Editorial: Coke in the White House

Column By Mike Bibb

Now, we’re finding cocaine in the White House.  What else can lovable Uncle Joe do to screw things up even more?


More importantly, considering all the security devices, cameras, Secret Service personnel, Capitol Police, and everything else guarding the most guarded house in the United States, how was it possible the drug managed to find its way into the interior of the home?

Almost as if someone living there may have tucked it inside his socks and walked on in.  If that’s the case, we may never learn the identity of the real culprit. 

This isn’t a place where hundreds of people a day enter and exit, and the ones who do are questioned when signing in/out, and inspected by armed guards and security agents.

Presently, limited public tours are restricted to certain rooms and last only about thirty minutes.  During COVID, tours were suspended.

Following Sept. 11, 2001, security was further enhanced.

Not hardly the Superdome – it’s a building tiny in comparison.  Only a few dozen people work and live here.  The rest are staff,  Congressional representatives, state visitors, and maintenance crews.  Keeping suspicious characters out shouldn’t be a big problem.

Apparently, under Joe Biden’s supervision, it is.  A little deeper down the rabbit hole we go. 

Adding insult to injury, media talking heads keep telling us conflicting reports of where the coke was found.  One day it’s in this room, the next tossed into a hallway nook, then over in a corner, janitor’s closet, under a West Wing desk.  On and on.

Possibly, officials really don’t know because the blow was moving around faster than a Washington July snowstorm.

Certainly, it couldn’t be Hunter’s.  He’s rehabbed beyond suspicion.  Tax and gun issues aside, doing dope again is the furthest thing from his mind. 

So, if the Secret Service is bewildered by all the confusion, who can be trusted to investigate and solve the mystery?

I think I know the perfect person for the job – the little girl on the big yellow school bus who later became famous by shouting, “Tweedom!”

Currently, she’s the Vice President of the United States and former Border Czar.  Recently – if you can believe it – President Joe appointed her his new “Artificial Intelligence” administrator, overseeing the development of AI and making sure it’s properly regulated.

AI and Kamala:  Aren’t they on opposite ends of the intelligence spectrum? 

Wow, if Joe believes Kamala Harris can handle the assignment, then finding the “root causes” of the White House crack controversy shouldn’t be more challenging than anything else she’s failed at.

Which, quite possibly, is Joe’s clever strategy.  Knowing Kamala’s success ratio of doing anything right is about 1 in 5,000, assigning her to the case would almost guarantee we’ll never know who smuggled in the baggie until well after the 2024 election. 

Hopefully, by then Hunter will have moved out before Trump throws him out.

That is if Trump isn’t tied up in court facing his 27th federal criminal indictment for allegedly doing something wrong.

Maybe, charged with leaving the White House lights on after 10 p.m. – a clear violation of the Hatch Act.

Coincidentally, this was exactly the excuse a deputy press secretary invoked when asked by reporters whether Joe or Hunter had knowledge of the newly discovered “controlled substance,” a claim previously suggested by Trump.

Andrew Bates replied “I don’t have a response to that, because we have to be careful about the Hatch Act.  What I will say is that I have noticed there does seem to be some increasing frustration coming from that corner in general, and I think it is probably rooted in the contrast between their substantive policy records.”

Say what, who talks like this?  Sounds like Kamala and Andrew share the same speech writer.  When they publicly speak, nothing makes much sense.

With all of Andrew’s bloviating and Hatch Act gibberish, he still didn’t answer the question if Joe or Hunter knew about the origins of the coke.  Instead, he had “no response.”

Kind of like White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre.   She often doesn’t have an opinion or response, either.

Incidentally, the Hatch Act is an old law that prohibits federal employees from discussing or using government resources for political campaign purposes.  It has absolutely nothing to do with snorting cocaine in the White House.

I’ve mentioned before, nearly every week a new and ridiculous tale wafts from the Biden Administration.  The regular issuance is predictable as the expected looney-tune content.

Equally anticipated – denial, dodging, deflecting, and disinformation.  SOP in these kinds of embarrassing situations.

The Mad Hatter observed “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.  Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t.” – Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll, 1865.

Appears eerily similar to the overall theme of Joe’s political career.

Perhaps, Joe was a ’60s Jefferson Airplane fan, forever subconsciously influenced by the psychedelic lyrics of White Rabbit feeding his head.

Who really knows?  Remember, this is the same guy who concluded a June 16, 2023, Connecticut press conference with the perplexing comment “God save the Queen, man” – about eight months after her passing last September.  Respectful, but a little late.

Guess, Joe just found his cue card.

Sometimes, when blankly gazing from a speaker’s podium, he seems to be in a distant galaxy far, far away.

This might help to explain a recent Gila Herald columnist’s statement that “little green men” are out to neuter us – or, something like that. 

News to me, but if a current version of “Mars Attacks” is imminent, sign me up to join Joe in the fight.

First, a pinch of Hunter’s coke to numb the discomfort.  If my jewels are in jeopardy of being severed by invading extraterrestrials, I’d at least like to have the procedure done as painlessly as possible.

Tangling with invading green space aliens is one thing – endangering the safe continuance of the family genes is another.

Besides, why would little green men travel zillions of miles just to neuter me?  I’m sure they have more important things to do.

Like, trying to figure out what makes Joe tic?  A question the whole universe is awaiting an explanation for!