Column By John Young
Remarkably, he still had his hair when the beginning came – the beginning of his afterlife.
That powdered egg pelt: still enough to comb combatively. That Caramelo face: oh, yeah.
Remarkable for one not alive — and as identifiable as ever when St. Peter acknowledged him from atop a golden barrier.
“Where’s the entrance?” he demanded, red tie waving.
He looked east. He looked west: Nothing approximating an access point.
“None for you,” said the saint. “What you see is what you inspired on Earth. This is my wall.”
“I command you to let me in.”
“You don’t call the shots here,” said the saint.
“Let me in. Nothing but rocks and sand down here,” said the departed ex-president. “The heat. It’s blistering.” He touched his cheek in horror. “The foundation I applied this morning – it’s liquifying!”
“I’m sorry,” said the saint, “but standards have always applied to life eternal.”
“Listen, no one has been more pro-God than me. A gold-inlayed Bible in my name. Large print. Slim design.”
“For $49.99,” said the saint. “Or choose four installments. I’m certain all proceeds went to the poor.”
“Yes. Every cent! I swear.”
“Did you recall that passage from Matthew about ostentatious displays of religiosity?”
“Matthew? Uh . . .” He reached frantically for his phone for reference. “What the . . .”
“You left all devices behind on the material plane. Your pretense is past tense.”
“Pretense. You’re calling me a phony?”
“If you ever read that Bible you were selling, you’d know what I’m saying.”
“I was president. I was supported by great religious leaders.”
“I understand,” said the saint. “That was good politics — for you and for them. Did they ever suggest that you govern with grace and by the precepts of the Golden Rule?”
“Not exactly.”
“Well, that’s the overriding theme of the Bible you were selling. What were those religious leaders selling?”
“Listen, I know what my constituents wanted.”
“Understood,” said the saint. “Tell me, sir. After your second inauguration, Episcopal Bishop Budde asked that you ‘have mercy upon the people in our country who are scared now.’ She mentioned not only peaceable, productive undocumented individuals but gay, lesbian, and transgender individuals ‘who fear for their lives.’ You said she was ‘nasty’ and owed you an apology. Why would you say that?”
“As I said on Truth Social, she was mixing religion with politics. No place for that.”
“Did you ever read the passage from John about those who say they love God but hate others?”
“It’s hot down here. I want in with the A/C.”
“Sorry, sir. You do not gain entry. Even for a gated community, the wall was a good idea.”
“Don’t judge me by my politics. They were just a means of saving the country from destruction by the Democrats.”
“Speaking of destruction, you weren’t too concerned when mobs ransacked your Capitol and brutalized police officers. And then, when back in power, you pardoned them?”
“Everyone deserves forgiveness.”
“You had laws. You had courts. You had people seriously harmed. Some died. You had an institution defaced, and lawmakers terrorized. Hadn’t you hammered the need to enforce laws –- particularly against ‘illegals’?”
“Give me a break. I was simply protecting the rights and privileges of my own kind. You know, like God created people ‘in his own image.’”
“Well, let me assure you, a lot of those people are down there with you right now.”
The ex-president spun around. He could only see rocks, cacti, a harrowing river, and a sign reading, “Bienvenido a Purgatorio.”
Spanish for “Welcome to purgatory.”
Longtime newspaperman John Young lives in Colorado. Email him at jyoungcolumn@gmail.com.
The opinions expressed in this editorial are those of the author.
