Don’t you hate it when you and your partner have little arguments that seem like they’ll never stop growing?
You let them slide in the moment, only to realize your relationship is dying every other day.
Here’s the thing…
The small issues you ignore today become big fights tomorrow.
Did you know communication issues account for 65% of all divorces?
That’s crazy when you think about how early you can actually resolve conflict.
Whether through self-education or seeking relationship therapy in Colorado, the right approach can transform the way you and your partner communicate forever.
Let’s dive in!
What you’ll learn:
- How Couples’ Attachment Styles Determine How You Communicate
- Why Small Arguments Keep Occurring
- The Four Dangerous Communication Patterns That Ruin Relationships
- How to Improve Communication with Your Partner
How Couples’ Attachment Styles Determine How You Communicate
We all have an attachment style.
Your childhood taught you how to interact with others to feel secure and taken care of. And that attachment style carries over into your adult relationships.
There are four main attachment styles that couples fall into.
Secure Attachment
Secure people are secure. Simple as that. They communicate openly and deal with conflict head-on. They feel no fear when times get tough because they know how to create safety with their partners.
Anxious Attachment
These partners worry a lot. They need reassurance from their partners. And hearing “we’re fine” can send them into a frenzy about their relationship falling apart.
Avoidant Attachment
When things get too close for comfort, avoidants pull away. They bottle their emotions and are “ok” with leaving things unsaid.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
These partners fear intimacy, but also fear being alone. They want love, but are terrified to accept it when they have it.
Think of couples’ attachment styles like a battery.
If you have an anxious partner and an avoidant partner, you’re going to have major power struggles.
One pushes, and the other withdraws.
Sound familiar?
Here’s the problem when couples have different attachment styles…
Little things like not responding to a text or leaving the dishes in the sink take on major meanings that have nothing to do with what’s really going on.
Why Small Arguments Keep Occurring
Imagine a secure couple fighting over whose turn it is to make dinner.
They’ll probably get into a little argument and be done with it in 5 minutes.
Now imagine that the same couple has attachment issues.
Who knows how long that fight could last?
They may even avoid each other for the rest of the day.
Attachment styles feed the biggest arguments we have with our partners.
Unchecked attachment styles cause us to react instead of respond.
A partner might say something that may slightly upset you.
Instead of addressing the issue, your attachment reacts by thinking things like…
Does he not care about me?
I’m never going to get anything I want from this relationship.
Should I start looking for someone else?
These are dangerous thoughts because they grow bigger every time you let them sit.
Research shows couples with weak attachment styles experience 60% more conflict escalation than securely attached couples.
Each argument won’t start to feel like the real problem is your partner, when in fact… it’s your insecurities.
The Four Dangerous Communication Patterns That Ruin Relationships
Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman discovered four communication patterns that destroy relationships.
Here they are:
- Criticism – attacking your partner’s character rather than the behavior they demonstrated
- Contempt – treating your partner with disrespect via name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, etc.
- Defensiveness – playing the victim when your partner tries to talk about something that bothers them
- Stonewalling – refusing to communicate altogether
Yikes! Those are some heavy patterns that most couples fall into.
But did you know your couple’s attachment style feeds each of these patterns?
An anxious mate is more likely to become critical because their attachment feels scared.
Avoidant partners are likely to stonewall because dealing with conflict face-to-face feels overwhelming.
Until you identify which attachment style you and your partner align with, you’ll never get to the root of the problem.
Practical Ways To Improve Communication With Your Partner
Ok, so you know your couple’s attachment style…
Now what?
Here are the best ways to start implementing healthy communication patterns.
Learn Your Partner’s Attachment Style
You have to know where your partner is coming from in order to help them feel secure.
Anxious people need tons of reassurance, whereas avoidants need space.
Both of these are polar opposites and can create conflict if you’re not aware of them.
Know your style. Learn your partner’s style.
Focus on Your Curiosity vs. Blame
Got something that really bothers you about your partner?
Try this technique.
Instead of launching into why your partner is terrible, try saying how that behavior made you feel.
Does that mean you let people walk all over you? Of course not.
It means you communicate using curiosity, which allows your partner to hear you without getting defensive.
Suppose your partner left the house messy after telling you they would clean it.
Instead of saying, “You never clean the house! I’m sick of doing everything by myself!”
Say something like “I would really love it if you cleaned the house since you said you would. Right now I’m feeling resentful because it’s happened before.”
Boom! Much better, right?
This will allow your partner to open up where defensiveness would have them clam up.
Allow Space for Vulnerability
Healthy conflict looks like two people expressing their feelings with each other, not hashing out logistics.
If you want to argue better, you both have to feel safe allowing yourselves to be vulnerable.
Avoidants typically feel like they can’t be vulnerable with their partner.
Imagine opening up to your partner about how their behavior made you feel, only to be met with defensiveness?
Nope. They won’t do it.
When you bring up a problem, allow your partner to be vulnerable with you without judgment.
You can do this by establishing a safe space to talk.
Every time you and your partner argue, agree to:
- No Name Calling
- No Interrupting
- Take a time out if emotions run too high
Pretty soon, you’ll learn that fighting doesn’t have to be scary and unproductive.
An anxious partner will feel secure you’re not going to fly off the handle, and your avoidant partner will open up more and more each time.
Get Professional Help ASAP
This one can’t be stressed enough.
Too many couples wait until things are far beyond repair before they suck it up and ask for help.
By that point, you’re both fed up with each other. You’re burnt out on fighting. And you just want to call it quits.
The best time to ask for help is when you think you don’t need it.
When it comes to attachment, there are therapists who specialise in helping couples understand each other’s needs through their attachment style.
One of the most proven methods is Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Statistically, 70-75% of couples who go into EFT come out no longer distressed.
That’s huge!
If you and your partner are serious about nipping arguments in the bud, seek professional help first.
Closing Thoughts
Arguments in a relationship don’t have to destroy your connection.
They can actually help you grow closer than you’ve ever been before.
When you understand your couple’s attachment style and how to communicate through your fighting, you’ll:
- Keep small problems from turning into relationship-destroying arguments
- Create a safe place for you and your partner to be vulnerable
- Develop healthy communication patterns that leave blame, withdrawal, and contempt in the dust
Arguments are only as bad as you make them.
You can either let your partner’s attachment style control how you argue or you can learn how to argue by taking control of your reactions.
The couples who make it are the ones who know how to fight well.
Understanding your attachment style is the first step to fighting fair.
