Divorce can be an emotionally charged event for many adults, especially when the separation is tough for different reasons, such as infidelity or one spouse wanting to split up while the other believed the relationship was normal and there was no cause for concern. However, when children are involved in the mix as well, things tend to get all the more complicated. Since kids and teenagers are still developing and learning to make sense of the world around them, parents often worry that the separation can have a dramatically negative effect on their well-being, having a destabilizing effect and being downright traumatizing for children.
If you’re also a parent going through a divorce and want to make sure that the potentially negative effects on your child are eliminated or at least kept at a minimum, here are a few of the things you need to take into account.
Make things clear
Telling children about divorce can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, but it is a conversation that you simply cannot avoid. The things you should say will depend on the age and maturity of your child, as well as on the general dynamics of your family. To avoid any issues or having things spiral out of control, it’s a good idea to decide what you’re going to say alongside your former spouse and do so before you actually sit down to talk. Make sure to be kind and patient throughout the conversation. Some children will have questions about how things will go from now on, and you should be able to explain to the best of your ability.
While some divorces are quick, others take a long time and can be difficult. Aspects such as custody, visitation, and parenting time, and the intricacies of child support and maintenance will be decided based on the child’s best interests, with the courts making it a priority to reach agreements via mediation instead of adversarial battles. Emergency orders do exist, though, for the cases in which the safety of children and one of the spouses is believed to be in jeopardy. If a custody disagreement exists, explain to the child that you’re trying to find the best way as adults so that everyone gets a satisfactory outcome.
Financial matters, on the other hand, are better off not being discussed, as they might lead to feelings of guilt or make one of the parents look bad. If conflicts and excessive anger preceded the divorce, you should definitely address that, as it most likely caused issues and anxiety for the children as well. Explain to them that they’re not to blame for the situation but that things are complicated and that you’re looking to figure things out. If emotional outbursts have become the rule in your home, you’ll also want to emphasize that it’s not your child’s job to fix the issues, but that other adults, such as judges or therapists, have it as their job to deal with situations such as these.
Prepare for the reactions
As you can imagine, news such as this will be followed by some kind of reaction. In households where there have been many conflicts, the children may actually be relieved that their environment will change and that things will become calmer. In many cases, though, children are much more likely to feel upset or guilty. It is very important to acknowledge these feelings, sit with them, and try to work with them instead of attempting to twist them into something positive or minimize their impact. That is much more likely to lead to confusion, resentment, or anger that is turned inwards in the long term.
Regardless of how your children react, it is important to be there for them. Encourage them to talk and share their feelings openly without judgment, but give them space to figure things out on their own for a while as well, if they want to. Some might insist that you talk some more and sort things out without getting divorced. For situations such as these, you can say something along the lines of “We understand that this will take some time to process and that it must be difficult right now, but we’ve already discussed this and are certain that this is what we want to do.” Reassure them that you’ll both remain present in their lives and that they won’t have to worry about navigating this time alone.
Some kids will worry about what the future holds as well. For instance, it’s common for children to worry about their parents getting remarried and the possibility of having step-siblings or half-siblings in the future. It’s important to not say anything definitive, as kids will most likely remember it in the future. Simply say that something like that could happen at some point in the future but that it won’t change your relationship in any way. For worries that are more immediate, such as what their new bedroom will look like or who will take them to football, ballet, or piano practice next time, you can either post a provisional schedule that everyone can see or tell your children that you’re still working out the details.
No matter what you do, you need to remember to always tell the truth.
Additional considerations
Your children need to be reassured that both their parents will remain involved in their lives. You’ll both have to stay involved and remind your kids that they’re important and a priority for you. Don’t badmouth your husband or wife in their presence, and advise all other adults in your circle to never do this as well. You should find ways to agree on matters that have to do with your children so that they’re not dealing with guilt at all times.
Open and honest communication is very important during this time, but you must also be careful not to step on any toes or hurt any feelings. Remember that your children want both of you in their lives, barring cases of abuse.
To sum up, while navigating divorce with children can be challenging, being calm, patient, and understanding throughout the process will go a long way.
